"Musical Bible Camp" by Westward Ho

CAMP COUNSELOR

I thought our musical would be about the more obscure parts of the Bible —

CHILDREN

Yippee!

CAMP COUNSELOR

How about I Samuel, Chapter 18?

CHILDREN

Yippee!

CAMP COUNSELOR

In this story, King Saul won’t let his daughter get married until he receives the foreskins of a hundred Philistines.  What do you think, kids?

BOYS

Yippee!

GIRL

What’s a foreskin?

BOY 1

I’ll be King Saul!

BOY 2

I’ll be Jesus!

CAMP COUNSELOR

Jesus isn't in this —

BOY 1

He can be a Philistine!

GIRL

And I’ll be a girl!

CAMP COUNSELOR

There were no girls —

GIRL

Then I’ll just sit and sing pretty.

(CAMP COUNSELOR distributes props and costumes.)

CAMP COUNSELOR

 Everyone all set?

(Pitch pipe.)

BOY 1

I AM KING SAUL, IN NEED OF SOME FORESKINS.
I AM KING SAUL, IN THE MARKET FOR SOME FORESKINS.
WHO WILL GET THESE FORESKINS FOR ME?
WHO WILL GO AND GET THESE FORESKINS FOR ME?

I AM KING SAUL, AND I THINK I SEE A PHILISTINE.

I AM KING SAUL; IN A SEC, HIS FORESKIN WILL BE MINE.

GIRL

WITH HIS STEELY GRIP, THE PHILISTINE HE SEIZES. 

BOY 2

HOLD ON A SECOND!  I THOUGHT I’M PLAYING JESUS!

(BOY 1 chases BOY 2 with a knife until he gets him on the ground.)

GIRL

HE IS KING SAUL, IN NEED OF SOME FORESKINS.
HE IS KING SAUL, AND HE’S GONNA GET HIS FORESKINS.
LA LA LA, LA LA, LA LA.
LA LA LA, LA LA, LA LA.

(BOY 1 holds up a bloody foreskin.)

BOY 2

Ow!  Holy --- !

                    GIRL (Continued)

WHAT DID HE DO WITH THE FORESKINS MANY?
WHAT DID HE DO WITH THE FORESKINS PLENTY?

BOY 1

            (As King Saul)
I MADE A PURSE THAT EXPANDED WHEN I RUBBED IT.
I MADE A DUFFLE BAG THAT SHRUNK WHEN IT WAS TOUCHED WITH ICE.

            THE END

"The Waitress's Tale" by Westward Ho

            (A WAITRESS stands behind the counter, wiping smudges from water glasses.)

WAITRESS

            I remember when I come home from the plant one day, and Papa he sits in the parlor with a man-friend of his.  Papa says to me, “Archaeopteryx”---yes, that is my name; I know it’s weird---but he says, “Archaeopteryx, this is Mr. Aegisthus.”  And I say, “It is nice to meet you, Mr. Aegisthus.” And I confuse and wonder to myself, “Why takes Papa such care to show me this man?”  Later Papa asks me how I like Mr. Aegisthus.  I say that he seems a fine man; and Papa says, “Good.  You will be his wife.”

            I had not expected this.  I had only eighteen years---life starting to begin---not wanting a husband.  And, also, I hope to choose my own husband.  But I was afraid.  We Greeks respect our parents and respect their wish.  But I could not see myself tied down to an old, bald, fifty years-old friend to my father.  So I beg to Papa, “Papa, please not force me to marry Mr. Aegisthus.”  He thought I joked.  He said, “Nonsense, Archaeopteryx; all women marry.”  But I say, “Papa, I cannot marry Mr. Aegisthus.  Because I love Ralph.  I want to marry Ralph.”  Then Papa becomes very angry.  He forbid me to see Ralph:  “You not going to go near that boy, Archaeopteryx; you quit your job at the plant.”  And so I do.  And Papa says, “Archaeopteryx, if you not content to fowl my wishes, then you shall never marry.”  I plead and plead.  But was no use.

           I thought one day that maybe I will run off with Ralph.  He come to the house one evening after I had quit the plant, and Papa was sleeping.  Ralph he says, “If your family is unfair then it is necessary to leave it and fowl your dream.”  I was agreeing with him at that moment.  But as I had one foot past the door, I remembered to myself that Mama was still sick with the streptococcus and that Papa surely cannot care for her, and my brother Coelacanth was married and had a son just born---so he, too, had no opportunity to care for Mama.  So I send Ralph away.

            Later, he forgot me.  I hear that he married a woman from the plant.

            (Pause)

            It is a shame, I think.  Often I wonder how different my life will have been if I run away with Ralph.  It had been difficult, but I doubt a great deal that I would still now be working at a cheap coffee shop. 

            And, too . . . I hear a year ago that Ralph he die of a heart attack.  And it makes me think that maybe I am better off for never being wife to him, seeing that his wife now she has a lot of heart pain. 

            And there is times, too, when I think that I should have obeyed Papa to marry Mr. Aegisthus.  He is dead a long time---but no matter since I never loved him.  And maybe it had been worthful just to have children.  I love children.  And the best part is that they grow to be adults that can help and befriend you.

            Then again, Terrence, my brother Coelacanth’s younger boy, was killed in an automobile crash; and he and Shirley were very sad.  They came to my apartment in the center of the night and cried, “Terry . . .  my little Terry is dead.”  Terrible.

            (Pause)

            I never see heart pain like that.  But I never see joy. 

            I was invited to one of Coelacanth's sons’---the chemist’s---graduation, because Coelacanth died two weeks early and Shirley had his ticket.  And Bart won a prize or something and must give a speech.  Now, he is no good talker---is always shy---but when he spoke, why, Shirley she had tears of joy in her eyes.  Just two weeks ago, she weeped at my brother’s funeral and, now, she weeps for joy.  And I think, maybe children is the key to happiness.  One can forget all his woes and . . . see the future in them.

           But I depress me.  Why think only of miserableness when there is no means to change?  I shall wake happy and forget everything.  And working as a waitress helps me to forget me.  I see the problems of others and not think that I have it so poor.

            THE END

"Joan Aardvark’s Entrée into Squid-dom" by Westward Ho

ANNOUNCER

Two days ago, motion picture actress Joan Aardvark committed suicide by jumping into the ocean.  Now her ex-husband, a marine biologist named Dr. Seliger, has sunk to the bottom of the sea as a result of an accident involving a bathysphere.  While on the ocean floor, awaiting certain death, Dr. Seliger encounters his dead ex-wife, who has been transformed into a squid-woman, complete with pink robe-of-many-tentacles and arrowhead headdress.  We join them now. 

JOAN

            (Suddenly excited)

Let me tell you about my new role.  I’m death’s herald.  The greeter at the Outer Gate.  When you’ve newly arrived, I come knock-knocking at your door and offer you free products from the Underworld.

DR. SELIGER

Rubbish.

JOAN

’Want to hear how I’m death’s herald?  It’s how I became a squid.

DR. SELIGER

Not interested.

            (Music starts lightly under JOAN’s speech.  Lights change.)

JOAN

So there I was, on the luxury liner Bermuda Queen.  Vincent Manly and I were having our troubles, headed for divorce.  And I had read in the morning paper that I was box-office poison.  Again.   But, more than that, I was just so tired of the game.  I mean, my name’s not even Joan Aardvark, really.   Anyway, after multiple experiments with sleeping pills and knives and too much liquor, I finally got up the courage.  I walked out onto the deck of the ship and dove off.  Well, I didn’t dive, really.  All that water scared me.  I couldn’t jump, either, like a normal person.  I had to do what’s called a sit-jump – where you squat on the edge and sort-of fall off.  But it felt great, sailing through the air.  And, then, I smashed into the water, which felt like when you clap your hands too hard.  But the water was fantastic.  I could go as deep as I wanted, without having to worry about coming back up.  I passed the pretty fish and the ropes of sea-weed, and swam down further, where the water gets cold and the fish are gray.  Then, I swam deeper still, till the water was black as tar.  And I waited to die.  Then, out of nowhere, an explosion of underwater fireworks:  a parade of squids and squidlings, of all colors and sizes! a mob! a navy! a chorus-line!  All were singing –

(A chorus of squids sings.)

VOICES OF SQUIDS

Welcome, Joan!  Welcome, Joan!  Welcome, Joan! et cetera.

(The choir continues singing.  JOAN speaks over the music.)

JOAN

I gurgled, “Can’t I just be dead?”  And then, in the glowing halo of the water, I saw him:  The Great Lord Ichthyosaur.

DR. SELIGER

What?

(As she speaks, THE GREAT LORD ICHTHYOSAUR comes down from above, gigantic, with gleaming teeth and eyes.)

JOAN

The Great Lord Ichthyosaur!  The prehistoric lizard-fish you’re looking for.  Let me tell you, he is glorious, with teeth like the pointed gates of Heaven and jaws like the fists of God!  He spoke to me; he said –

(The ICHTHYOSAUR sings.)

THE GREAT LORD ICHTHYOSAUR

WELCOME, JOAN, TO MY REALM!
UNDERWATER, I'VE THE HELM,
AND I MUST SAY I HAVE NOTICED YOU!
COME AND JOIN MY DEEP-SEA FRIENDS!
BRIDGE THE DEEP THAT NEVER ENDS!
SWIM WITH US!  WE HAVE A PLACE FOR YOU!

JOAN

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
I'VE WATCHED THE DOLPHINS SWIM AND PLAY.
IS THAT THE KIND OF LIFE YOU OFFER ME?

THE GREAT LORD ICHTHYOSAUR

JOAN, I KNOW THIS MIGHT SOUND ODD:
I WANT YOU AS A CEPHALOPOD!
SWIM, YOU SQUID:  YOUR FAMILY'S IN THE SEA!

JOAN

And so I blossomed.

(Music stops.  The ICHTHYOSAUR swims upwards, out of view.)

            THE END

"Françoise Sagan" by Westward Ho

            (FRANÇOISE SAGAN sits in a coffee shop, sipping her café.)

FRANÇOISE SAGAN

I was almost killed in a car wreck,
You know.
I was almost killed in a car wreck.

CONGREGANTS

We know.

FRANÇOISE SAGAN

I almost died in a car wreck,
You know.
I almost died.

CONGREGANTS

We know.

            (Sipping of liquid.)

            THE END