"Heady Heady Head, Part II" by Westward Ho

CHILD

My mommy asked what I wanted for Christmas and I can’t believe she got it.  It’s a pickled head.

HEAD

I want a body.  I want a body.

CHILD

Well, I want a head that looks more like me.

            THE END

"Aunt Berthe's Secret" by Westward Ho

MOTHER

Sally, it’s time you learned the awful truth.

            (SALLY coughs on her scone.)

SALLY

What truth?

MOTHER

The antonym of falsehood.

SALLY

Not what’s truth, but what truth---?

MOTHER

About your aunt Berthe.

SALLY

She was like a mother to me, when you were in the institution.  Is there a secret behind her death?

MOTHER

Is there ever, Sally.  I suppose you know how she died---

SALLY

Suicide.

MOTHER

            (Simultaneous with her daughter)
Suicide.
            (Disconcerted pause)
Well, I guess you knew.

SALLY

I figured, with the family history and all your attempts---

MOTHER

We’re not---

SALLY

Really, it would be more remarkable if she didn’t commit suicide.  Why, you’re doing it right now.

MOTHER

I am simply cutting my scone---

SALLY

So what’s the secret?

MOTHER

It’s not that she killed herself, but how she did it.

SALLY

Pills?

            (MOTHER stares incredulously.  She blinks.)

MOTHER

Pills?  Would I mention it if it were pills?  No; much more shocking.  You’ll never think of her the same.

SALLY

Well, tell me---

MOTHER

An oriental rug.

SALLY

What?

MOTHER

An oriental rug.

SALLY

That doesn’t make---

MOTHER

She ate it.  She took a knife and fork and ate the whole damn thing.  Fibers expanded and burst her digestive tract.

SALLY

Oh, god---

MOTHER

When they found her, it was a pool of blood, with elegantly colored threads in the corners of her mouth.  And the remnant was hanging from her lips, as if she’d vomited it up.

SALLY

Oh, god.  I remember.

MOTHER

You what?

SALLY

I came in from playing.  I wanted an ice cream.  But she hadn’t died yet.  She looked up, and she croaked---

MOTHER

If I hadn’t been in the institution---

SALLY

I know.  I put it out of my mind, but . . .  Why did you bring it up?  Why would you expose me again, you loon?

MOTHER

Lately, you’ve been sleepwalking---

SALLY

Dr. Theos said---

MOTHER

Well, you’ve been sleepwalking.  I’ve seen you.

SALLY

Oh, god---

MOTHER

You come into my room; and---how do I say it?

SALLY

Oh, god.

MOTHER

You look . . . hungry for rug.

            (Dum dum dum---shocking music.)

            THE END.

"Heady Heady Head" by Westward Ho

CHILD

My mommy asked what I wanted for Christmas and I can’t believe she got it for me.  I can’t believe she found it.  It’s a pickled head; see.  It’s in this jar.  It’s a pickled head.  I don’t know how she found it.  See my head.  I can pretend it to talk.

HEAD

I want a body.  I want a body.

CHILD

Well, you don’t have it.

HEAD

Please help me.

CHILD

Let’s go to the store.  They have bodies.  Hello, storekeeper; I want a body.

HEAD

A real body, you fool!  I can't take being sealed in this jar!

CHILD

Well, there are stores and rules.  So, there.  Hey, everybody; look at my head!

            THE END.

"Sans Coeur" by Westward Ho

            (The world is a stage.  A CHANTEUSE descends from the heights---on a swing or
          a moon or a broom.  She is made up.)

CHANTEUSE

AN ISOSCORPION CAME FROM A CLOCK.
IT HAD NO TAIL FOR STINGING.
AN ICE-OLD WARRIOR GAVE ME A ROCK.
I HAVE NO HEART FOR SINGING.
I HAVE NO HEART FOR SINGING, MY FRIENDS.
I HAVE NO HEART FOR SINGING.

            (Her eye catches someone in the audience.  An OLD MAN, with glinty teeth,
          smiles.  He holds up her heart on a string, which he swings like a pendulum.  She
          looks away.)

               CHANTEUSE (Continued)

I HAVE NO HEART FOR SINGING, MY FRIENDS.
I HAVE NO HEART FOR SINGING.

            (Swinging continues.)

            THE END.