Monday, December 29, 2014

"Abraham and Sarah at Breakfast" by Westward Ho

     (ABRAHAM and SARAH are sitting at the table.)

ABRAHAM
Busy day today, dear.  I'm going to cut the skin off my penis.  Then I'm going to gather the guys together and do the same to them.

     (SARAH looks up from her newspaper.)

SARAH
Most men take up golf.

     END OF "SARAH AND ABRAHAM AT BREAKFAST."

Monday, December 22, 2014

"Disentanglement"


            (The kitchen of the Hos’ home, the window overlooking the gravel driveway.   
            MRS. HO is making a diorama of a windswept street, with tiny crumpled 
            newspapers and broken umbrellas suspended by wire.  She paints the eyes on 
            her small doll self, doll grandson in its arms.)

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE
Where is your grandchild?

MRS. HO
With his mother.

            (MOCHA sips juice.)

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE
“Butch Gardens” has been on another platform for several months now.

MRS. HO
You can hide nothing on the internet.

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE
I am successful and don’t need you.  I am taking “Butch Gardens.”

MRS. HO
That’s best.

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE
You won’t get any new episodes for “Plays:  Short and Strange.”

MRS. HO
Good.  But you are my intellectual property.

            (She installs the Mrs. Ho doll.)

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE
What?

MRS. HO
It doesn’t matter.  I found Westward.  We had a reconciliation.  Or something.

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE
Good.  Good-bye forever.

            (She leaves.)

            END OF “DISENTANGLEMENT.”

Monday, December 15, 2014

"Butch Gardens, Episode 68" by Mocha Tchokha Rose


            (The drug lords’ lair.  Calm after the storm.  FOOFEE sniffs the air.)

FOOFEE
I think we did it.

LONNIE
How do you---?

            (They all sniff.)

FOOFEE
We did it.

ELINOR RADLEY
Hah-ha!  Now, we can take all the drugs!

LONNIE
Elinor!

ELINOR RADLEY
And profit by selling them to the less fortunate!

            (The PANTHER LADY blinks in irritation.  Oh, Elinor.)

            END OF EPISODE 68.

Monday, December 8, 2014

"Butch Gardens, Episode 67" by Mocha Tchokha Rose


            (The senior lesbians repose in the woods.  GEORGETTE and GRACE nestle 
            against each other.  COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE dozes against an obelisk that 
            looks like Annie.)

GRACE
It’s pretty here.

GEORGETTE
Better than the zoo.

            (COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE lifts her head.)

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE
No; I’m sorry.

            (She drifts off again.)

GRACE
            (To the COUNTESS)
What’s she---?

GEORGETTE
’Talking in her sleep.

            (COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE lifts her head.)

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE
Oh, she’s alive again, yes.  She came back . . . when Foofee and I were . . .

GEORGETTE
Who are you talking to, Baroness?

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE
Me?  To this obelisk . . . it murmurs . . .

            (She falls back asleep.  GEORGETTE and GRACE share a look.)

            END OF EPISODE 67.

Monday, December 1, 2014

"Butch Gardens, Episode 66" by Mocha Tchokha Rose



            (The drug lords’ lair.  ELINOR RADLEY lunges at an unseen nemesis and falls 
            to the floor.)

ELINOR RADLEY
Aaaah!

FOOFEE
If you can’t see or hear them, you can’t beat them with force!

ELINOR RADLEY
I can smell them!  

LONNIE
She’s right---

ELINOR RADLEY
Men!
 
FOOFEE
            (To ELINOR RADLEY)
Calm down!
            (To all the women)
Because we can’t use force, we have to use language.

LONNIE
Language?

FOOFEE
Incantation.  Lullaby.  Women’s words.

            (The PANTHER LADY twitches her ear quizzically.)

FOOFEE
Do like me.  Sorry.

LONNIE
Thank you.

PANTHER LADY
Oh?

ELINOR RADLEY
Yes!

FOOFEE
Sorry.

LONNIE
Thank you.

PANTHER LADY
Oh?

ELINOR RADLEY
Yes!

            (Growing more vehement, they chant around the perimeter.)

FOOFEE
Sorry!

LONNIE
Thank you!

PANTHER LADY
Oh?

ELINOR RADLEY
Yes!

FOOFEE
Sorry!

LONNIE
Thank you!

PANTHER LADY
Oh!

ELINOR RADLEY
YES!

            (Crescendo.)

            END OF EPISODE 66.