"Abraham and Sarah at Breakfast" by Westward Ho

     (ABRAHAM and SARAH are sitting at the table.)

ABRAHAM

Busy day today, dear.  I'm going to cut the skin off my penis.  Then I'm going to gather the guys together and do the same to them.

     (SARAH looks up from her newspaper.)

SARAH

Most men take up golf.

     END OF "SARAH AND ABRAHAM AT BREAKFAST."

"Disentanglement"

            (The kitchen of the Hos’ home, the window overlooking the gravel driveway.   

            MRS. HO is making a diorama of a windswept street, with tiny crumpled 

            newspapers and broken umbrellas suspended by wire.  She paints the eyes on 

            her small doll self, doll grandson in its arms.)

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

Where is your grandchild?

MRS. HO

With his mother.

            (MOCHA sips juice.)

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

“Butch Gardens” has been on another platform for several months now.

MRS. HO

You can hide nothing on the internet.

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

I am successful and don’t need you.  I am taking “Butch Gardens.”

MRS. HO

That’s best.

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

You won’t get any new episodes for “Plays:  Short and Strange.”

MRS. HO

Good.  But you are my intellectual property.

            (She installs the Mrs. Ho doll.)

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

What?

MRS. HO

It doesn’t matter.  I found Westward.  We had a reconciliation.  Or something.

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

Good.  Good-bye forever.

            (She leaves.)

            END OF “DISENTANGLEMENT.”

"Butch Gardens, Episode 68" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (The drug lords’ lair.  Calm after the storm.  FOOFEE sniffs the air.)

FOOFEE

I think we did it.

LONNIE

How do you---?

            (They all sniff.)

FOOFEE

We did it.

ELINOR RADLEY

Hah-ha!  Now, we can take all the drugs!

LONNIE

Elinor!

ELINOR RADLEY

And profit by selling them to the less fortunate!

            (The PANTHER LADY blinks in irritation.  Oh, Elinor.)

            END OF EPISODE 68.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 67" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (The senior lesbians repose in the woods.  GEORGETTE and GRACE nestle 

            against each other.  COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE dozes against an obelisk that 

            looks like Annie.)

GRACE

It’s pretty here.

GEORGETTE

Better than the zoo.

            (COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE lifts her head.)

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

No; I’m sorry.

            (She drifts off again.)

GRACE

            (To the COUNTESS)

What’s she---?

GEORGETTE

’Talking in her sleep.

            (COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE lifts her head.)

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Oh, she’s alive again, yes.  She came back . . . when Foofee and I were . . .

GEORGETTE

Who are you talking to, Baroness?

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Me?  To this obelisk . . . it murmurs . . .

            (She falls back asleep.  GEORGETTE and GRACE share a look.)

            END OF EPISODE 67.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 66" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (The drug lords’ lair.  ELINOR RADLEY lunges at an unseen nemesis and falls 

            to the floor.)

ELINOR RADLEY

Aaaah!

FOOFEE

If you can’t see or hear them, you can’t beat them with force!

ELINOR RADLEY

I can smell them!  

LONNIE

She’s right---

ELINOR RADLEY

Men!

 

FOOFEE

            (To ELINOR RADLEY)

Calm down!

            (To all the women)

Because we can’t use force, we have to use language.

LONNIE

Language?

FOOFEE

Incantation.  Lullaby.  Women’s words.

            (The PANTHER LADY twitches her ear quizzically.)

FOOFEE

Do like me.  Sorry.

LONNIE

Thank you.

PANTHER LADY

Oh?

ELINOR RADLEY

Yes!

FOOFEE

Sorry.

LONNIE

Thank you.

PANTHER LADY

Oh?

ELINOR RADLEY

Yes!

            (Growing more vehement, they chant around the perimeter.)

FOOFEE

Sorry!

LONNIE

Thank you!

PANTHER LADY

Oh?

ELINOR RADLEY

Yes!

FOOFEE

Sorry!

LONNIE

Thank you!

PANTHER LADY

Oh!

ELINOR RADLEY

YES!

            (Crescendo.)

            END OF EPISODE 66.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 65" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (The lusty seniors are walking in the woods.)

GRACE

We’re lost.

GEORGETTE

I’m afraid so.

GRACE

We’ll never slit those drug lords’ throats.

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Is that what we were doing?

GEORGETTE

You should sit, Gracie.

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Let’s rest near this obelisk that looks like Annie.

GRACE

Annie?

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

            (Explaining)

The one whose lover was dead but came back to life.

            (They relax near an obelisk that looks like Annie.)

            END OF EPISODE 65.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 64" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (In the drug lords’ lair.  Showing evidence of having fought, ELINOR RADLEY 

            confronts her unseen nemesis.)

ELINOR RADLEY

So it’s you!

LONNIE

Who’s she talking to?

FOOFEE

Shhh---!

            (The PANTHER LADY growls.)

            (ELINOR RADLEY and her unseen nemesis circle round each other.)

ELINOR

Oh ho!  You’ll pay for that!

            (She lunges into space.)

            END OF EPISODE 64.

"Aria for Westward"

            (MRS. HO appears on a windswept street.  Crumpled newspapers and broken 

            umbrellas blow by.  MRS. HO carries her grandson, whom she shields from the 

            wind.  All is white and blackish.)

MRS. HO

Where is my son?

Where is my Westward?

Come back to me, son!

Come toward me, O Westward!

            (A blown twig slaps her in her face.)

            (Elsewhere, WESTWARD HO watches from his crystal ball.  He laughs, then 

            feels bad.)

            END OF “ARIA FOR WESTWARD.”

"Butch Gardens, Episode 63" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (The drug lords’ lair.  It’s gray, like a dusty shooting gallery but with nobody 

            popping out.  A faint buzzing.)

            (The younger women---ELINOR RADLEY, FOOFEE, LONNIE, and the 

            PANTHER LADY---approach.)

FOOFEE

The drug lords’ lair.  Do we walk in?

LONNIE

Where could they be?  Oh, I don’t understand men.

            (The PANTHER LADY yelps and switches something with her tail.)

FOOFEE

What’s the---?

            (The PANTHER LADY yelps again and spins around, looking for what bit her.)

                    FOOFEE (Continued)

What---?

            (FOOFEE touches her side.)

                    FOOFEE (Continued)

Did I bump---?

LONNIE

Something’s poking me!  Like a pencil point---

FOOFEE

It hurts a little---

LONNIE

Not too bad---

            (The PANTHER LADY snarls at an unseen annoyance.)

ELINOR RADLEY

It’s men!  Men!

            (She brushes something from her neck.)

FOOFEE

They’re attacking from another plane!

            (The women thrash mildly.)

LONNIE

How do we fight what we can’t see or hear?

            (Hitting.  Snarling.  Not too much.)

            END OF EPISODE 63.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 62" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE, along with GEORGETTE and GRACE, is lost, 

            a bit confused, in no real rush.)

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

I have this feeling . . .

GRACE

You have it, too?

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

About Annie.

GRACE

Oh.

GEORGETTE

Which one is that?

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

The girlfriend.  The one who didn’t get covered in slime.  The one who wasn’t dead and didn’t come back to life.

GRACE

Oh, her.

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Usually Foofee says this kind of thing---

GEORGETTE

I know---

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

But I wonder if she didn’t make a Faustian bargain:  give her life to save someone---that Annie---no, Lonnie---the one who was dead but isn’t anymore.

GRACE

I’d give my life to save Georgette.

GEORGETTE

I’d give my life to save you.

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

I’d give my life for a comfy cushion.

            (They keep plodding.)

            END OF EPISODE 62.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 61" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (The drug lords’ lair.  All is stillness and veiledness.  The emptiness is queer.   

            Perhaps a slight buzzing.)

            END OF EPISODE 61.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 60" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (ELINOR RADLEY, FOOFEE, LONNIE, and the PANTHER LADY are 

            stalking drug lords in the Amazon rain forest.)

LONNIE

Hold on.  If we can’t hear men, how do you think we’ll see them?

ELINOR RADLEY

Well---oh, I don’t know . . .

FOOFEE

They must exist on another plane---

            (The PANTHER LADY looks up, crouches, and snarls.)

                     FOOFEE (Continued)

Not that kind of plane, silly Panther Lady.

ELINOR RADLEY

But, if that’s so, how do we destroy them?

            (Stupefaction.  Shrugs all around.)

            END OF EPISODE 60.