"Butch Gardens, Episode 26" by MTR Studios (Mocha Tchokha Rose, head writer)

            (The last of the cubes.  ELINOR RADLEY is being terrorized by an 

            ABOMINATION of organic parts.)

ABOMINATION

I will tell you my origin story.

ELINOR RADLEY

Is that all there is, the telling of origin stories?

ABOMINATION

I---

ELINOR RADLEY

Because, if it is, then I want nothing to do with it.  I’d rather you killed me now.

            (The ABOMINATION shrugs and kills ELINOR RADLEY.  The 

            PANTHER LADY, outside, screeches---but to what end?)

            END OF EPISODE 26.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 25" by MTR Studios (Mocha Tchokha Rose, head writer)

            (The last of the cubes.  ELINOR RADLEY finds herself in it.)

ELINOR RADLEY

A cube?  I thought I’d be resting by the crackling fire.

            (A figure emerges from the darkened corner.)

                   ELINOR RADLEY (Continued)

Who in the hell are you?

            (The figure draws nearer.)

                    ELINOR RADLEY (Continued)

You’re out of the light.  You must know that I can’t see you when you’re out of the light.

            (The figure inches forward---an abomination, stitched together from organic
            parts.)

ABOMINATION

Elinor Radley . . . you will pay . . .

            (While many might scream in this situation, ELINOR RADLEY is unused to
            doing so.  The PANTHER LADY, however, howls on her behalf.)

            END OF EPISODE 25.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 24" by MTR Studios (Mocha Tchokha Rose, head writer)

            (A large cube.  GEORGETTE, the other grayhead, is in there with a giant snake.)

GEORGETTE

Are you friendly?

ANACONDA

I’m well-fed---

VOICE FROM WITHIN THE ANACONDA

I’m here, too!

GEORGETTE

Three? in the same cube?

VOICE FROM WITHIN THE ANACONDA

I’m being digested . . .

GEORGETTE

Do I know you?

ANACONDA

            (Answering her question)
You’ve probably run into snakes like me at the reptile house . . .

GEORGETTE

            (To the snake)
Dear, I was talking to the woman inside you.

VOICE FROM WITHIN THE ANACONDA

In life, I was called Lonnie---

GEORGETTE

You were that auburn-haired’s girlfriend.

VOICE FROM WITHIN THE ANACONDA

Annie---

GEORGETTE

“In life”?  Are you dead?

VOICE FROM WITHIN THE ANACONDA

A few hours . . .

ANACONDA

            (To her meal)
Lonnie . . . does it hurt when I burp?

VOICE FROM WITHIN THE ANACONDA

No more than dying . . .

            (The snake burps loudly.  GEORGETTE is tickled.  Outside the cubes, the
            PANTHER LADY scampers about.)

            END OF EPISODE 24.

"MTR Studios"

            (Several WRITERS gather in the backroom at Panera Bread.  One stands and
            addresses the others.)

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

Ladies, you are all out-of-work writers in need of employment.

WRITER 1

That’s not strictly true, Mocha.  I have a seasonal job as a gift-wrapper.

WRITER 2

I, too, am a gift-wrapper.

WRITER 3

As am I.

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

Seasonal work comes to an end.  Would you like something longer-lasting?  Would you like to ply your trade with a pen?

WRITER 2

Is there pay?

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

My soap opera is too much for one woman.  It’s taking away from my job as a non-seasonal wrapper.

WRITER 3

            (To the others)
“Butch Gardens” is a popular series.

WRITER 2

I’d like to write---!

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

There’s no pay, mind you.  No one makes anything, especially with the internet.

WRITER 1

Words are our bread.

WRITER 2

I wouldn’t do it if there was pay.

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

It’s settled?  Here are my outlines.  Write well or I’ll kick you off.

            (An UGLY WOMAN enters, with frizzy black hair.)

UGLY WOMAN

Is this the meeting for authors?

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

Westward Ho, your mother told me to watch out for you.

UGLY WOMAN (WESTWARD HO)

But, Mocha . . . can I write, too?

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

Women-only.  We won’t be silenced.

            (The four women leave the backroom to fill up on free samples of crusty loaves. 
            WESTWARD HO takes off his wig and sighs.)

"Butch Gardens, Episode 23" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (A large cube.  COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE is sleeping in it.  The fabric of her
            dresses ruffles with her snores.  GRACE hobbles in and sits on a stool beside
            her.)

GRACE

Duchess?  I was looking for you---

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

             (Lifting her head)
We live in a cube now.

GRACE

I need someone to listen.

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

 Hand me my snuff.

            (GRACE gives her a big box.  The COUNTESS snorts greedily.)

                  COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE (Continued)

When I was younger, I went all over the countryside recording the stories of old peasant women before they died.  I learned many a charm.

GRACE

I’m not interesting like that---

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

No---

GRACE

But no one listens---

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

I soon grew tired of the peasants’ lives:  a brother dies, a sister’s raped, a lover boils in oil.  But tell me, dear:  your tale’s not distressing?

GRACE

            (Thinks)
 I didn’t think so.  Maybe . . .

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Well, make up your mind before you cough up the depressing details.  I don’t want our cube brimming over with depressing details.

            (The PANTHER LADY bays from the top of the cube.)

            END OF EPISODE 23.

 

"Butch Gardens, Episode 22" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (A large cube.  FOOFEE enters the cube.  Seeing no one, she produces a cloth
            and begins to clean.  Lusty Alsatian music.)

            (ANNIE walks in.)

ANNIE

            (Calling out)
Lonnie?

FOOFEE

Don’t you know she’s dead?

ANNIE

No . . . !  We had a little fight . . . !

            (FOOFEE clucks her tongue.)

                 ANNIE (Continued)

What are you doing?

FOOFEE

 Cleaning.  This cube is our home now.  I might as well make it nice.

            (Outside the cube, all is smoke and wist.  Amongst the ether-alleys, the
            PANTHER LADY snarls and pounces her way to another cube.)

            END OF EPISODE 22.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 21" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (It is getting late.)

ANNIE

Where’s Lonnie?

GEORGETTE

But I don’t understand why all the planes crashed.

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

            (Awaking)
Don’t you?  She must have a big magnet---

GEORGETTE

Big enough to suck Grace into a plane and convince her to fly?

GRACE

I never flew before---

GEORGETTE

We never took a plane to Orlando---

GRACE

Indiatlantic---

GEORGETTE

---before.

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Strong magnet.

ANNIE

Where’s Lonnie?

FOOFEE

But there are still unanswered questions:  why us?  Why these particular women:  one, a lithe womanservant---

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Another, a sleepy old royal---

GRACE

Then a couple of grayheads---

ANNIE

And an ordinary couple---where’s Lonnie?

FOOFEE

Why us?

            (At ELINOR RADLEY’s beck, the PANTHER LADY rises and starts closing
            banana leaves, like curtains, around the clearing.)

ELINOR RADLEY

Yyyaaawww . . . It’s getting late.  What do you think, Panther Lady? beddy-bye?

            (She settles in the leaves for a snooze.  The COUNTESS is already asleep.  The
            PANTHER LADY kindles a fire.)

ANNIE

Really . . . where’s Lonnie . . . ?

FOOFEE

So many questions . . .

            (The PANTHER LADY’s yellow eyes dart.  She throws something ambergrissy
            onto the pyre.  Sputter sputter spurt.  Fumes.  They all get hazy.)

            END OF EPISODE 21.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 20" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (ELINOR RADLEY is enthralling the masses---except for LONNIE, who is
            caught by an anaconda somewhere, and COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE, who
            dozes.)

ELINOR RADLEY

As I was telling you, my father was the hypocritical entrepreneur Boo Radley, who wanted a son but got me.  And, somehow, in his business dealings, he bought half the Amazon.  He intended to tear it down to grow hops---but died too soon.  But not before he had lost all his possessions with the click of a roulette wheel in Monte Carlo.

            (The COUNTESS wakes up.)

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

            (Snorting)
I remember!  I was there!

            (She falls back asleep.)

ELINOR RADLEY

But he didn’t really lose everything, you see; because he retained a small plot of land.  Not small, really---a million acres jammed with orchids and sloths.  It started as a lesbian amusement park.  Not really, though.  At first, it was a home for blind lesbians founded by Susan B. Anthony’s grand-niece:  the Susan B. Anthony Home for Blind Lesbians, I believe.  But everyone called it “Butch Gardens” because of the flowers that grew and because of a statue of Susan in a particularly mannish pose.

            (The COUNTESS raises her head.)

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Was she scratching her balls?

ELINOR RADLEY

            (Incredulously)
No.  Her legs were just wide
 
            (COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE falls back asleep.)

                  ELINOR RADLEY (Continued)

With a name like “Butch Gardens,” it was only natural that---with the craze in the 1960s---the place became an amusement park.  And a lesbian amusement park, because who but lesbians would vacation in the Amazon?  Unfortunately, lesbians have no money, though; so no one came.

FOOFEE

What about indigenous lesbians?

            (ELINOR RADLEY glares for a second, then shrugs.)

ELINOR RADLEY

A fair question.  Some of them might have come; I don’t care.  But the high-stakes lesbians didn’t, because they were too poor.  Only the ultra-rich lesbians.  And there aren’t many.  Just me.

            (COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE snorts awake.)

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

I also came!  I especially liked the pavilion where you could gut your own fish.

ELINOR RADLEY

You were there, I remember.  But not often enough.  So there was no revenue; and the place closed.

GEORGETTE

This story is interesting but seems to meander.

FOOFEE

Like the River Meander.

            END OF EPISODE 20.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 19" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (GRACE raises her arm and rises as one converted.)

GRACE

It’s my turn!  My turn!

            (GEORGETTE tugs at her.)

GEORGETTE

Sit back down!

GRACE

I’ll tell about our time in the WAC---!

GEORGETTE

Not now, Grace---

            (GRACE sits back down.)

ELINOR RADLEY

            (Glaring)
If there are no further interruptions, I’ll tell you the story of “Butch Gardens.”

            (The PANTHER LADY begins again at the tom-toms.)

                  ELINOR RADLEY (Continued)

            (Stopping her)
Stop it!  I’ve had enough rhythm!

            (The PANTHER LADY, embarrassed, turns away and licks her paws.)

            END OF EPISODE 19.

"Tremors, Part Five: Pasadena"

            (The house of two little ladies in California.  One is checking the internet.)

LADY 1

Hot tea, Donna?

LADY 2

But it’s after 7, dear.

LADY 1

Are you playing that jewel game again?

LADY 2

No; I’m looking for that website.

LADY 1

Oh, it’s gone, I think. 

LADY 2

I’m afraid you’re right.

LADY 1

You’ll have to read the old ones.

LADY 2

It’s a shame.

            (LADY 2 turns away from her computer.)

LADY 1

’You sure you don’t want tea?

            (LADY 2 shakes her head.)

LADY 2

You know, Carol kept some nice journals.

LADY 1

I’d heard that.

LADY 2

I saw them.  So much writing.  There must have been more than fifty.  And they were that black-and-white kind, bound like books.

LADY 1

I know what you mean---

LADY 2

Crammed with writing.  ’You know her writing?

LADY 1

Yes, small.

LADY 2

            (Agreeing)
Tight.  All her memories---from the ’60s and ’70s and on.

LADY 1

Even the ’50s, you think?

LADY 2

Possible.  What do you think happened to those journals?  Do you think they got saved?

LADY 1

With her family?  Oh no.  Not with the things she’d have written.

LADY 2

But they weren’t dirty . . .

LADY 1

Still, she and Frannie . . .

LADY 2

I miss Frannie.
            (Pause)
Did you ever keep journals?

LADY 1

I don’t see the point.

LADY 2

I used to.  But I threw mine away.

            (LADY 2 turns back to the computer.)

                    LADY 2 (Continued)

I’m going to type a letter to the lady who runs the website.

LADY 1

What will you say?

LADY 2

 I’ll say that we like the stories and miss them.  I’ll word it kindly.

LADY 1

Well . . . ’can’t hurt.

            (LADY 2 types.  FADE OUT.)

              (FADE IN.  Elsewhere, MRS. HO receives a kindly-worded missive from
            Pasadena.  She reads it, looks off into the beyond, considers, and presses
            delete.)

            END OF “TREMORS.”

"Tremors, Part Four"

            (MRS. HO sits at the kitchen table.  She is fixing up little parts of a diorama
            that her son made.  Her daughter, SUNNY, sits at the table with her.  SUNNY
            is bisecting a quark.)

            (A stone flies through the window.  MRS. HO shudders.)

MRS. HO

            (To SUNNY)
Will you sweep up the glass?

            (SUNNY packs up her quark into a sewing case.)

SUNNY

I want nothing to do with any of it.  This is your game, Mother.

            (SUNNY goes out back to walk in the woods.)

            (MRS. HO tries to work.  She starts to fix the eye on a little man, but makes a
            mistake.  The breeze from the broken window is too brisk.)

            (A LUNATIC lumbers in.  She foams.  MRS. HO looks up and huffs.)

LUNATIC

I’m gonna slit your throat---

MRS. HO

You are not---

LUNATIC

You see lights go funny when your life slips away?

MRS. HO

Lower your voice.

LUNATIC

Blood drip onto your nice floor?

MRS. HO

I have had enough!

            (MRS. HO rises and disables the LUNATIC.)

                 MRS. HO (Continued)

I won’t be threatened!  I won’t be fooled!  I won’t be convinced!

            (She blows cayenne in the other woman’s eyes.  She sits back down.)

              MRS. HO (Continued)

If you don’t know already, Mrs. Ho does what she wants!  And nobody frightens or stops her!

            (She goes back to her work.)

"Tremors, Part Three"

            (A young AUTHORESS approaches her PATRON.)

AUTHORESS

I want to know why I’ve been replaced.

PATRON

What do you mean, replaced?

AUTHORESS

I saw what was published last week.  In my name.

PATRON

Did you enjoy it?

            (The AUTHORESS glowers.)

                  PATRON (Continued)

I don’t care what we print.  I’m not a writer.

            (The AUTHORESS exits.  A stone flies through the window.)

"Butch Gardens, Episode 18" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (My teacher says that overheard voices can be more interesting than what we
            make up ourselves. I doubt it.)
   
            (A WOMAN dials the phone.)

WOMAN

Yes, hello . . . I have a complaint to make about your sign . . . Your sign.  The one in front of your building . . . Yes; on the sign, it says, “NEW,” but the “W” is really just an “M” turned upside down . . . I don’t know---“NEW TACOS” or something---but the point is that the “W” is just an “M” turned upside down . . . I’m calling to say that I liked the “W” the first time, when it was an “M.”  Thank you.

            (She hangs up.)

            END OF EPISODE 18.

"Tremors, Part Two: Dark Alley"

            (MRS. HO is walking down a dark alley, carrying supplies for a new flowerbox. 
            It is misty dark.  Her heels crunch on the gravel.  Then, more heels.  MRS. HO
            opens her eyes as a throng of ANGRY LESBIANS emerges from the shadows.)

MRS. HO

Oh, God . . .

ANGRY LESBIAN 1

I heard what you’re doing---

MRS. HO

What---?

ANGRY LESBIAN 1

You’re silencing “Butch Gardens”---

MRS. HO

Oh, God---

ANGRY LESBIAN 2

We enjoy “Butch Gardens.”  Do you hear me?

MRS. HO

            (Stupidly)
I enjoy many things:  spice gumdrops---

ANGRY LESBIAN 3

Don’t be smart!

ANGRY LESBIAN 1

We don’t like to threaten.

ANGRY LESBIAN 2

We don’t like to.  But . . . you know . . .

MRS. HO

I think I do.

            (The LESBIANS walk away.  MRS. HO leans against a wall and drops a paint
            brush.)

Play Fragment VII: "The Match Girl and the Stove Man"

             (Found on a pot by Mrs. Ho.  Pencil on Christmas card.)

MATCH GIRL:  I would sell all I own for [. . .]

STOVE MAN:  I demand your soul.

MATCH GIRL:  I cannot give what the [ . . .]

[STOVE] MAN:  Then I will take your family [. . .]

[ . . .] to chase her.  She hides in a p[. . .]

[STOVE MAN] (Cont’d):  I am us[ed? . . .]

[MATCH GIRL:?]  Jesus, I give my [. . .]

"Tremors, Part One"

            (MRS. HO sits in a large wicker chair, fanning herself.  WESTWARD HO
            approaches.)

WESTWARD

Mother.

            (MRS. HO continues to fan herself.)

                   WESTWARD (Continued)

Have you been following the blog?

            (Silence.)

                   WESTWARD (Continued)

What do you think of it?

MRS. HO

            (After a pause)
I don’t understand it---

WESTWARD

I know it’s popular with lesbians.  I’m just not sure---

 

 MRS. HO

She told me it would be a soap opera.  But it’s a horror movie; am I right?

WESTWARD

I guess.

MRS. HO

Hmmm . . .

            (She turns away.)

"Butch Gardens, Episode 17" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (LONNIE is still sulking in the brush.  The music from FOOFEE’s dance can be
            heard.  Someone approaches LONNIE from behind.)

LONNIE

Are you back?  I’m not mad.  Just a minute.

            (The figure gets closer.  LONNIE turns around.  It’s an anaconda!)

                 LONNIE (Continued)

Hey!  AH!

            (She faints.  The anaconda starts to drag her off.)

                LONNIE (Continued)

Wait!  I haven’t fainted!  Hey, ah!

            (LONNIE bumps her head on a rock.  She passes out.  The anaconda drags her. 
            No one hears because of the music and the dance.)

            END OF EPISODE 17.