"Butch Gardens, Episode 13" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (Behind some trees.  The drums and the PANTHER LADY’s scatting can still be
            heard.)

ANNIE

Why did---?

LONNIE

What’s the matter with you, Annie?

ANNIE

With me?

LONNIE

You.  And all those women.  You’re mesmerized---

ANNIE

She’s a---

LONNIE

I saw you looking---

ANNIE

Like you don’t---

LONNIE

Put your tongue back in your head!  Honestly . . .

ANNIE

I’ve never given you cause---

LONNIE

Till now.

PANTHER LADY (Off)

---dingus dingus dung.
 

ANNIE

            (After a moment)
I’m going back.

LONNIE

Annie!

ANNIE

We won’t last five minutes in the jungle if you’re a jealous lunatic.  Now, let me be!

            (ANNIE storms off.  LONNIE huffs.  An anaconda sidles up to her.  Continued
            drumming.)

            END OF EPISODE 13.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 12" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (Divers women surround the fearsome ELINOR RADLEY.  Campfire light as for
            ghoststorytelling.)

ELINOR RADLEY

Do I have your attention?  Do I finally have your attention?  I was going to tell you about Butch Gardens.  But I’ll do it in song.  As she told Mr. Paganini, if you can’t sing it, you’ll simply have to swing it.

GRACE

I like this dame---

GEORGETTE

            (Quieting GRACE)
Let her swing it.

            (The PANTHER LADY starts a beat on the tom-toms.)

PANTHER LADY

            (Scatting)
Dingus dingus dingus dung.
Dingus dingus dingus dung.

ELINOR RADLEY

I have a story to tell.
It’s the story of a place called, “Butch Gardens.”
I have a story to tell.
It’s the story of a place called, “Butch Gardens.”
’You wanna hear it?

PANTHER LADY

--- dingus dingus dung.

ELINOR RADLEY

’You wanna hear it?

PANTHER LADY

---dingus dingus dung.

ELINOR RADLEY

Let me hear you say, “Yes, ma’am!”

ALL BUT LONNIE

Yes, ma’am!

ELINOR RADLEY

Say, “Yes, ma’am!”

ALL BUT LONNIE

Yes, ma’am!

            (The PANTHER LADY keeps going.  ANNIE whispers to LONNIE.)

ANNIE

Don’t you wanna hear it?

LONNIE

Not really . . .

PANTHER LADY

Dingus dingus dingus dung.

 

LONNIE

            (To ANNIE)
Can you come with me a second?

            (LONNIE pulls ANNIE into the wilderness.)

ELINOR RADLEY

Don’t worry ’bout them
Because they’ll be back.

            (Ba-da-da-boom!  The PANTHER LADY drums.)

            END OF EPISODE 12.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 11" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE, with her womanservant FOOFEE and the two
            old ladies, GEORGETTE and GRACE, arrive at the peeling sign where the
            fearsome ELINOR RADLEY and her PANTHER LADY await.  LONNIE and
            ANNIE are also there.)
 

GRACE

Would you look at this?  A convocation of lesbians.

ANNIE

It’s Butch Gardens, an abandoned amusement park.

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

I’m Countess Van Der Cave.

ANNIE

            (Referring to ELINOR RADLEY)
This attractive woman was about to tell the origins of the place.

GRACE

What’s that hot number going to tell us---?

GEORGETTE

            (Giggling)
Grace, you’re forward---

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

            (To the PANTHER LADY)
I see that you are part panther.

ELINOR RADLEY

Do I have your attention?

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

I said, I see that you are part panther---

ELINOR RADLEY

            (Louder)
Your attention!

COUTNESS VAN DER CAVE

            (Still to the PANTHER LADY)
Are you litter-trained?

            (The PANTHER LADY snarls.)

FOOFEE

Countess!

ELINOR RADLEY

Ahem!

GRACE

            (To the COUNTESS)
That hot number’s speaking---

LONNIE

Well, I can’t wait around---

ELINOR RADLEY

Too many women!  Too much noise!

            END OF EPISODE 11.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 10" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (Another plane crashes on top of the first three.  It sets there a moment.) 

PANTHER LADY (Voiceover)

I think we have enough people now, mistress.

              (The cockpit door springs open and two heads roll out.)

ELINOR RADLEY (Voiceover)

I think, perhaps, you’re right.

            (Another plane whizzes in the distance.)

            END OF EPISODE 10.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 9" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (FOOFEE comes out of the woods.)

GEORGETTE

Child, what a fright!

FOOFEE

I hate to bother you both, but my mistress is caught in a man-eating plant---

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

            (Calling from the brush)
Woman-eating---!

FOOFEE

            (Confidentially)
She’s always in trouble.

GEORGETTE

            (Gesturing toward GRACE)
That’s this one.  But I don’t fault her.

FOOFEE

She’s more than a boss to me; and I’d really like to save her.

GEORGETTE

Grace?

GRACE

We have our purses---

GEORGETTE

And our training from the WAC.  We met in the---

GRACE

She doesn’t want our life story---

FOOFEE

Your purses.

            (The three women begin clobbering the blood-thirsty plant.  The PLANT sniffles.)

PLANT

Ow, stop it!  Now, stop it!  Really; it’s enough to be a woman-eating plant!  Really.  I made a choice:  I like women.  You’d think the four of you would have some understanding . . .

FOOFEE

Quiet, you rotten radish!

GEORGETTE

Juice her!

GRACE

See you in hell, bitch!

            (The three women knock the PLANT to Kingdom Come---but not before she
            coughs up COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE.)

                 GRACE (Continued)

The nerve.  Trying to pull feminism on us.
            (To the plant particles)
I invented feminism, bitch!

GEORGETTE

            (To GRACE)
People might misinterpret . . .

            (FOOFEE helps the COUNTESS up.)

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

There now.  I’m Countess Van Der Cave.  Let us walk in the direction of the running water.

            (They march off.)

            END OF EPISODE 9.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 8" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

ELINOR RADLEY

As I said, Butch Gardens is abandoned no more.

            (The PANTHER LADY comes out from the shadows and stands beside 
            ELINOR.)

                  ELINOR RADLEY (Continued)

Pardon my Panther Lady.

ANNIE

Butch Gardens?  Tell us about it.

ELINOR RADLEY

More are due to arrive; and I don’t like repeating.

            (ELINOR and the PANTHER LADY sit on some rotting wood.  LONNIE and
            ANNIE do the same.  They wait.)

LONNIE

The planes---?

ELINOR RADLEY

We’ll get to that.

            (The PANTHER LADY scratches her ear.)

LONNIE

I’m---

            (ELINOR gives her a sharp look.)

                  LONNIE (Continued)

            (Whispered to ANNIE)
I don’t like---

ELINOR RADLEY

Shhh!

            (They wait.  A large insect passes by.)

PANTHER LADY

            (Snarling)
You can refresh yourselves with some nectar.
            (Suddenly self-conscious, aware of ELINOR)
That orchid is particularly . . . tasty . . .

            (ELINOR chuckles lightly, but with purpose, as if to say, “Don’t mind me.”)

ELINOR RADLEY

Go ahead.  After all, people can drink.

            (LONNIE and ANNIE lap silently, awkwardly.)

            END OF EPISODE 8.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 7" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (The most recently crashed plane, teetering atop the first two, starts to jiggle.)

FOOFEE

They’re coming out---

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Let’s hide, Foofee.  I don’t want to meet new people.

            (They hide in the woman-eating plant.  The door of the plane pops on its hinge
            and slowly begins to rise.  Two little gray-haired ladies, GEORGETTE and
            GRACE, hobble out.)

GEORGETTE

Oh, Grace . . .

GRACE

This doesn’t look like Orlando . . .

GEORGETTE

Oh, no; not Orlando; no . . .

GRACE

Hello?  Is anyone here?

GEORGETTE

That’s right.  Help me down.

            (GRACE lends a hand to GEORGETTE.)

GRACE

How’s your hip?

GEORGETTE

Thank goodness for Boniva.

GRACE

            (Calling out)
Is anyone here?

GEORGETTE

Hello?  We’re two little old ladies from Tallahassee---

GRACE

            (Overlapping) 
Two little queer ladies from Tallahassee.  Hello?

GEORGETTE

On our way to Orlando---

GRACE

Indialantic, really---

GEORGETTE

But no one knows where that is---

GRACE

Two little queer ladies, on our way from Tallahassee to Indialantic---

GEORGETTE

But Grace doesn’t know how to fly the plane.  I don’t fault her.

GRACE

And now we’re lost.  Hello?

GEORGETTE

Hello?

            (Struggling from the bushes.)

                 GEORGETTE (Continued)

            (Motioning)
I hear something other there.

            END OF EPISODE 7.