"Butch Gardens, Episode 9" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (FOOFEE comes out of the woods.)

GEORGETTE

Child, what a fright!

FOOFEE

I hate to bother you both, but my mistress is caught in a man-eating plant---

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

            (Calling from the brush)
Woman-eating---!

FOOFEE

            (Confidentially)
She’s always in trouble.

GEORGETTE

            (Gesturing toward GRACE)
That’s this one.  But I don’t fault her.

FOOFEE

She’s more than a boss to me; and I’d really like to save her.

GEORGETTE

Grace?

GRACE

We have our purses---

GEORGETTE

And our training from the WAC.  We met in the---

GRACE

She doesn’t want our life story---

FOOFEE

Your purses.

            (The three women begin clobbering the blood-thirsty plant.  The PLANT sniffles.)

PLANT

Ow, stop it!  Now, stop it!  Really; it’s enough to be a woman-eating plant!  Really.  I made a choice:  I like women.  You’d think the four of you would have some understanding . . .

FOOFEE

Quiet, you rotten radish!

GEORGETTE

Juice her!

GRACE

See you in hell, bitch!

            (The three women knock the PLANT to Kingdom Come---but not before she
            coughs up COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE.)

                 GRACE (Continued)

The nerve.  Trying to pull feminism on us.
            (To the plant particles)
I invented feminism, bitch!

GEORGETTE

            (To GRACE)
People might misinterpret . . .

            (FOOFEE helps the COUNTESS up.)

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

There now.  I’m Countess Van Der Cave.  Let us walk in the direction of the running water.

            (They march off.)

            END OF EPISODE 9.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 8" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

ELINOR RADLEY

As I said, Butch Gardens is abandoned no more.

            (The PANTHER LADY comes out from the shadows and stands beside 
            ELINOR.)

                  ELINOR RADLEY (Continued)

Pardon my Panther Lady.

ANNIE

Butch Gardens?  Tell us about it.

ELINOR RADLEY

More are due to arrive; and I don’t like repeating.

            (ELINOR and the PANTHER LADY sit on some rotting wood.  LONNIE and
            ANNIE do the same.  They wait.)

LONNIE

The planes---?

ELINOR RADLEY

We’ll get to that.

            (The PANTHER LADY scratches her ear.)

LONNIE

I’m---

            (ELINOR gives her a sharp look.)

                  LONNIE (Continued)

            (Whispered to ANNIE)
I don’t like---

ELINOR RADLEY

Shhh!

            (They wait.  A large insect passes by.)

PANTHER LADY

            (Snarling)
You can refresh yourselves with some nectar.
            (Suddenly self-conscious, aware of ELINOR)
That orchid is particularly . . . tasty . . .

            (ELINOR chuckles lightly, but with purpose, as if to say, “Don’t mind me.”)

ELINOR RADLEY

Go ahead.  After all, people can drink.

            (LONNIE and ANNIE lap silently, awkwardly.)

            END OF EPISODE 8.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 7" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (The most recently crashed plane, teetering atop the first two, starts to jiggle.)

FOOFEE

They’re coming out---

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Let’s hide, Foofee.  I don’t want to meet new people.

            (They hide in the woman-eating plant.  The door of the plane pops on its hinge
            and slowly begins to rise.  Two little gray-haired ladies, GEORGETTE and
            GRACE, hobble out.)

GEORGETTE

Oh, Grace . . .

GRACE

This doesn’t look like Orlando . . .

GEORGETTE

Oh, no; not Orlando; no . . .

GRACE

Hello?  Is anyone here?

GEORGETTE

That’s right.  Help me down.

            (GRACE lends a hand to GEORGETTE.)

GRACE

How’s your hip?

GEORGETTE

Thank goodness for Boniva.

GRACE

            (Calling out)
Is anyone here?

GEORGETTE

Hello?  We’re two little old ladies from Tallahassee---

GRACE

            (Overlapping) 
Two little queer ladies from Tallahassee.  Hello?

GEORGETTE

On our way to Orlando---

GRACE

Indialantic, really---

GEORGETTE

But no one knows where that is---

GRACE

Two little queer ladies, on our way from Tallahassee to Indialantic---

GEORGETTE

But Grace doesn’t know how to fly the plane.  I don’t fault her.

GRACE

And now we’re lost.  Hello?

GEORGETTE

Hello?

            (Struggling from the bushes.)

                 GEORGETTE (Continued)

            (Motioning)
I hear something other there.

            END OF EPISODE 7.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 6" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

ANNIE

Up ahead . . . I think I see a sign---

LONNIE

We’ve been walking forever---

ANNIE

A little exercise---

LONNIE

What does it say?

ANNIE

The leaves---

LONNIE

Honestly . . .

            (LONNIE brushes the leaves away.  There, in the peeled paint, glitzy letters call
            out, “Butch Gardens.”)

                  LONNIE (Continued)

“Butch Gardens”---?

ANNIE

My kind of place---

LONNIE

Honestly---

ANNIE

It’s like some kind of abandoned lesbian amusement park---

            (ELINOR RADLEY emerges from the shadows and curtsies low.)

ELINOR RADLEY

Abandoned no more.

            (ANNIE and LONNIE start.)

            END OF EPISODE 6.

 

"Butch Gardens, Episode 5" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (FOOFEE helps COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE climb down the pile of
            wreckage.)

FOOFEE

Here’s something odd, Countess.  It seems our plane crashed on top of another plane.

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

What are the chances---?

FOOFEE

Watch out!

            (FOOFEE throws the COUNTESS down onto a pile of tropical leaves.  Another
            plane crashes down upon the first two.)

                 FOOFEE (Continued)

Would you believe another plane?

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Foofee.  You’re on top of me . . .

            (They remain still a moment.)

            END OF EPISODE 5.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 4" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

My glorious plane!

FOOFEE

My apologies, Countess.  It was like some force pulled the steering mechanism---

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Foofee, my trusted womanservant, you survive?  But the plane---

FOOFEE

And what of Feefoo, your trusted manservant---?

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Yes, what of him?

FOOFEE

Oh, dear.

            (FOOFEE opens the plane door.  Roasted meat.)

                  FOOFEE (Continued)

I’m afraid he didn’t make it.

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

I have a bad feeling about this, Foofee.  Close the door.

            (She makes several attempts and finally gets the plane shut up.)

            END OF EPISODE 4.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 3" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (The sound of a plane crashing.)

LONNIE

Another one?  ’Gives me the shakes.  I remember our crash.

ANNIE

I, for one, look forward to the wilderness.

LONNIE

You’re one for roughing it.  Should we go to the crash site?

ANNIE

Are you a doctor?  I’m not a doctor.

            (They keep walking.)

            END OF EPISODE 3.