"Tremors, Part One"

            (MRS. HO sits in a large wicker chair, fanning herself.  WESTWARD HO
            approaches.)

WESTWARD

Mother.

            (MRS. HO continues to fan herself.)

                   WESTWARD (Continued)

Have you been following the blog?

            (Silence.)

                   WESTWARD (Continued)

What do you think of it?

MRS. HO

            (After a pause)
I don’t understand it---

WESTWARD

I know it’s popular with lesbians.  I’m just not sure---

 

 MRS. HO

She told me it would be a soap opera.  But it’s a horror movie; am I right?

WESTWARD

I guess.

MRS. HO

Hmmm . . .

            (She turns away.)

"Butch Gardens, Episode 17" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (LONNIE is still sulking in the brush.  The music from FOOFEE’s dance can be
            heard.  Someone approaches LONNIE from behind.)

LONNIE

Are you back?  I’m not mad.  Just a minute.

            (The figure gets closer.  LONNIE turns around.  It’s an anaconda!)

                 LONNIE (Continued)

Hey!  AH!

            (She faints.  The anaconda starts to drag her off.)

                LONNIE (Continued)

Wait!  I haven’t fainted!  Hey, ah!

            (LONNIE bumps her head on a rock.  She passes out.  The anaconda drags her. 
            No one hears because of the music and the dance.)

            END OF EPISODE 17.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 16" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (Back in the singing place.)

FOOFEE

I feel a dance coming on.

            (The womanservant, FOOFEE, rises and disrobes.)

ELINOR RADLEY

You dare---?

            (ELINOR RADLEY makes for FOOFEE, but is stopped by the power of rhythm.)

FOOFEE

It’s a simple dance, about a country girl who becomes a servant.

            (COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE snorts and awakes.)

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Foofee, is that you?

            (Whatever the dance is, it is fantastic.  It is hard to write about dance---really it
            is.  It’s better to write about its effect on the watcher.  Whoa mama.  Such
            power.)

GRACE

Look at the limbs on her!

GEORGETTE

I know!  Let her dance---

            (She tells the story of a young peasant in Alsace, who toils in a way most
            Alsatian, until her sister goes off and becomes a prostitute.  For a moment,
            it seems like the sister is doing well for herself, until a cedar falls on her
            and she becomes encased in amber.  A-a-ah!)
 

                 GEORGETTE (Continued)

I can’t look!

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

But look you must!

            (O, the tears from that pauvre Alsatian!  But she has made the right choice! 
            Mais oui, she has made the right choice!)

ANNIE

Now, I, too, must dance!

GRACE

Keep that butt on the ground, sweetie!

            (Trials and tribulations.  And then, a moment beside some waters where she sees
            in her reflection true beauty and a transcendent love for other women.  A
            Sapphic slavabo.  And a merry meeting with a wealthy noblewoman who
            employs her as a servant.  She also employs her brother who later dies in a tragic
            plane crash.  But that sorrow is passed over quickly in favor of the climax of
            wing-finding, aloft-lifting, freedom-in-coping, a swannish precision.  Again,
            whoa.  And the dance ends.)

ALL BUT ELINOR RADLEY (AND LONNIE, WHO IS ABSENT)

Brava!  Brava!

            (The PANTHER LADY is made ashamed of her spontaneous applause.)

            END OF EPISODE 16.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 15" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (Back at the site of the four plane crashes, the two severed HEADS roll around. 
            Fragments from the woman-eating PLANT gather themselves together and
            address the HEADS.)

PLANT

Hey, ladies!  I was pulverized, but I’m not through.  Why don’t you come with me, and we’ll make something of our shared brokenness?

HEADS

Will you eat us?

PLANT

I’m damaged goods, too desperate to find anything but friends in this world.  Are you with me?

            (The PLANT pieces start to shuffle off.  The HEADS roll after.)

HEADS

Whee!

            END OF EPISODE 15.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 14" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (ANNIE comes back to the singing place.)

ELINOR RADLEY

So you’re back for the story of “Butch Gardens”?

I say, you’re back for the story of “Butch Gardens”?

ANNIE

Yes, ma’am!  I say, yes, ma’am!

ELINOR RADLEY

Then listen up!

            (Drumming and scatting stops.)

                    ELINOR RADLEY (Continued)

Once there was a vile entrepreneur named Boo Radley.  He wanted a son.  But he had a daughter, Elinor.  And that was me.
            (Tears in her eyes)
Do you understand now?

GRACE

            (Rising to her feet, moved to confess)
I used to think I wanted to be a man!
            (To those around her)
They become men now, you know---

GEORGETTE

That’s a different thing---

GRACE

I don’t know.  But, if I could have, would I have?

GEORGETTE

No.

GRACE

I can’t be sure, Georgette.  I just can’t be sure.

            (ELINOR RADLEY is glaring vilely.)

ELINOR RADLEY

This resting fermata is not for you---

FOOFEE

            (Whispering to the COUNTESS)
I feel a dance coming on . . .

            (COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE has fallen asleep.)

            END OF EPISODE 14.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 13" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (Behind some trees.  The drums and the PANTHER LADY’s scatting can still be
            heard.)

ANNIE

Why did---?

LONNIE

What’s the matter with you, Annie?

ANNIE

With me?

LONNIE

You.  And all those women.  You’re mesmerized---

ANNIE

She’s a---

LONNIE

I saw you looking---

ANNIE

Like you don’t---

LONNIE

Put your tongue back in your head!  Honestly . . .

ANNIE

I’ve never given you cause---

LONNIE

Till now.

PANTHER LADY (Off)

---dingus dingus dung.
 

ANNIE

            (After a moment)
I’m going back.

LONNIE

Annie!

ANNIE

We won’t last five minutes in the jungle if you’re a jealous lunatic.  Now, let me be!

            (ANNIE storms off.  LONNIE huffs.  An anaconda sidles up to her.  Continued
            drumming.)

            END OF EPISODE 13.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 12" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (Divers women surround the fearsome ELINOR RADLEY.  Campfire light as for
            ghoststorytelling.)

ELINOR RADLEY

Do I have your attention?  Do I finally have your attention?  I was going to tell you about Butch Gardens.  But I’ll do it in song.  As she told Mr. Paganini, if you can’t sing it, you’ll simply have to swing it.

GRACE

I like this dame---

GEORGETTE

            (Quieting GRACE)
Let her swing it.

            (The PANTHER LADY starts a beat on the tom-toms.)

PANTHER LADY

            (Scatting)
Dingus dingus dingus dung.
Dingus dingus dingus dung.

ELINOR RADLEY

I have a story to tell.
It’s the story of a place called, “Butch Gardens.”
I have a story to tell.
It’s the story of a place called, “Butch Gardens.”
’You wanna hear it?

PANTHER LADY

--- dingus dingus dung.

ELINOR RADLEY

’You wanna hear it?

PANTHER LADY

---dingus dingus dung.

ELINOR RADLEY

Let me hear you say, “Yes, ma’am!”

ALL BUT LONNIE

Yes, ma’am!

ELINOR RADLEY

Say, “Yes, ma’am!”

ALL BUT LONNIE

Yes, ma’am!

            (The PANTHER LADY keeps going.  ANNIE whispers to LONNIE.)

ANNIE

Don’t you wanna hear it?

LONNIE

Not really . . .

PANTHER LADY

Dingus dingus dingus dung.

 

LONNIE

            (To ANNIE)
Can you come with me a second?

            (LONNIE pulls ANNIE into the wilderness.)

ELINOR RADLEY

Don’t worry ’bout them
Because they’ll be back.

            (Ba-da-da-boom!  The PANTHER LADY drums.)

            END OF EPISODE 12.