"The Northwest Passage" by Westward Ho

            (An unsavory REPORTER comes to interview THE NORTHWEST PASSAGE.  

            She is much older now and lives in Pickfair before it fell down.)

THE NORTHWEST PASSAGE

You may think no one cares to find me, but you are wrong.  These furnishings are dusty; I can’t get good help.

REPORTER

You have many visitors?

THE NORTHWEST PASSAGE

Silly boy, no.  I know what you’re thinking.  But you’re wrong.  Some look.  The sensitive ones.

REPORTER

For what reason?  Financial gain?

THE NORTHWEST PASSAGE

Financial---?  I may ask you to leave.

REPORTER

But what about space?  Haven’t your followers turned to space?

THE NORTHWEST PASSAGE

Then let them chase that old whore! 

            (She smoothes her coarse hair)

A few still know I’m here---just northernly accessible, tantalizing.

            (She blows smoke from a long cigarette and tries to make a silhouette in her 

            cracked glass.  The image is wholly pathetic in the tragic sense of the word.)

            END OF “THE NORTHWEST PASSAGE.”

"The Descriptive Passage" by Westward Ho

            (A PASSAGE addresses a disinterested audience.)

PASSAGE

I remember clearly the sound of the radiator hissing and the smell of the paint---for radiators ought never to be painted, yet so often are---and I recall the way that the air moved an old mobile hanging over the radiator, currents causing crinkled papers to shimmy.  The mobile was an old school project, faded construction paper planets tied to a brass coat hanger.  The strings were tangled from years of their radiator dance.

            (Looking at the audience)

Hey, I’m describing up here!

A HECKLER

Describe my ass!

PASSAGE

I’d have to know it to do it.

            (Members of the AUDIENCE hoot.)

                    PASSAGE (Continued)

If you think what I’m doing is easy, come up and do it yourself!

AN AUDIENCE MEMBER

No, no.  You just do what you do.

            (The PASSAGE turns its attention to wild artichokes.)

            END OF “THE DESCRIPTIVE PASSAGE.”

"The Sad Pie" by Westward Ho

            (A PIE sets on a window sill.  Passers by.)

PASSERS

Look!  A pie!  Hist, hist!

PIE

Yes, gawk, you villains!  Here I sit, like a head on a pike, the life slowly training from fluted crust!

PASSERS

Hist, hist!

            (The PASSERS keep bying.  The PIE keeps a-crying.)

END OF “THE SAD PIE.”

"Song of the Pregnant Fish" by Westward Ho

            (A nervous MANTA RAY hides under a cloak of sand.)

MANTA RAY

            (Sighs)

I’m so hungry.

            (Sings)

I fear the fisherman.

I fear the hook.

I fear I’ll find a thing to eat

That gets me “took.”

It’s hard, ’cause here,

In kite-like me,

I have my little manta babies---

One, two, three.

            (She peers out.  Hooks and bait everywhere.)

            END OF “SONG OF THE PREGNANT FISH.”

"March of the Flowers" by Westward Ho

             (The FLOWERS march voraciously, destroying all in their path.)

            END OF “MARCH OF THE FLOWERS.”

"Abraham and Sarah at Breakfast" by Westward Ho

     (ABRAHAM and SARAH are sitting at the table.)

ABRAHAM

Busy day today, dear.  I'm going to cut the skin off my penis.  Then I'm going to gather the guys together and do the same to them.

     (SARAH looks up from her newspaper.)

SARAH

Most men take up golf.

     END OF "SARAH AND ABRAHAM AT BREAKFAST."

"Disentanglement"

            (The kitchen of the Hos’ home, the window overlooking the gravel driveway.   

            MRS. HO is making a diorama of a windswept street, with tiny crumpled 

            newspapers and broken umbrellas suspended by wire.  She paints the eyes on 

            her small doll self, doll grandson in its arms.)

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

Where is your grandchild?

MRS. HO

With his mother.

            (MOCHA sips juice.)

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

“Butch Gardens” has been on another platform for several months now.

MRS. HO

You can hide nothing on the internet.

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

I am successful and don’t need you.  I am taking “Butch Gardens.”

MRS. HO

That’s best.

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

You won’t get any new episodes for “Plays:  Short and Strange.”

MRS. HO

Good.  But you are my intellectual property.

            (She installs the Mrs. Ho doll.)

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

What?

MRS. HO

It doesn’t matter.  I found Westward.  We had a reconciliation.  Or something.

MOCHA TCHOKHA ROSE

Good.  Good-bye forever.

            (She leaves.)

            END OF “DISENTANGLEMENT.”

"Butch Gardens, Episode 68" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (The drug lords’ lair.  Calm after the storm.  FOOFEE sniffs the air.)

FOOFEE

I think we did it.

LONNIE

How do you---?

            (They all sniff.)

FOOFEE

We did it.

ELINOR RADLEY

Hah-ha!  Now, we can take all the drugs!

LONNIE

Elinor!

ELINOR RADLEY

And profit by selling them to the less fortunate!

            (The PANTHER LADY blinks in irritation.  Oh, Elinor.)

            END OF EPISODE 68.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 67" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (The senior lesbians repose in the woods.  GEORGETTE and GRACE nestle 

            against each other.  COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE dozes against an obelisk that 

            looks like Annie.)

GRACE

It’s pretty here.

GEORGETTE

Better than the zoo.

            (COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE lifts her head.)

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

No; I’m sorry.

            (She drifts off again.)

GRACE

            (To the COUNTESS)

What’s she---?

GEORGETTE

’Talking in her sleep.

            (COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE lifts her head.)

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Oh, she’s alive again, yes.  She came back . . . when Foofee and I were . . .

GEORGETTE

Who are you talking to, Baroness?

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Me?  To this obelisk . . . it murmurs . . .

            (She falls back asleep.  GEORGETTE and GRACE share a look.)

            END OF EPISODE 67.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 66" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (The drug lords’ lair.  ELINOR RADLEY lunges at an unseen nemesis and falls 

            to the floor.)

ELINOR RADLEY

Aaaah!

FOOFEE

If you can’t see or hear them, you can’t beat them with force!

ELINOR RADLEY

I can smell them!  

LONNIE

She’s right---

ELINOR RADLEY

Men!

 

FOOFEE

            (To ELINOR RADLEY)

Calm down!

            (To all the women)

Because we can’t use force, we have to use language.

LONNIE

Language?

FOOFEE

Incantation.  Lullaby.  Women’s words.

            (The PANTHER LADY twitches her ear quizzically.)

FOOFEE

Do like me.  Sorry.

LONNIE

Thank you.

PANTHER LADY

Oh?

ELINOR RADLEY

Yes!

FOOFEE

Sorry.

LONNIE

Thank you.

PANTHER LADY

Oh?

ELINOR RADLEY

Yes!

            (Growing more vehement, they chant around the perimeter.)

FOOFEE

Sorry!

LONNIE

Thank you!

PANTHER LADY

Oh?

ELINOR RADLEY

Yes!

FOOFEE

Sorry!

LONNIE

Thank you!

PANTHER LADY

Oh!

ELINOR RADLEY

YES!

            (Crescendo.)

            END OF EPISODE 66.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 65" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (The lusty seniors are walking in the woods.)

GRACE

We’re lost.

GEORGETTE

I’m afraid so.

GRACE

We’ll never slit those drug lords’ throats.

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Is that what we were doing?

GEORGETTE

You should sit, Gracie.

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

Let’s rest near this obelisk that looks like Annie.

GRACE

Annie?

COUNTESS VAN DER CAVE

            (Explaining)

The one whose lover was dead but came back to life.

            (They relax near an obelisk that looks like Annie.)

            END OF EPISODE 65.

"Butch Gardens, Episode 64" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (In the drug lords’ lair.  Showing evidence of having fought, ELINOR RADLEY 

            confronts her unseen nemesis.)

ELINOR RADLEY

So it’s you!

LONNIE

Who’s she talking to?

FOOFEE

Shhh---!

            (The PANTHER LADY growls.)

            (ELINOR RADLEY and her unseen nemesis circle round each other.)

ELINOR

Oh ho!  You’ll pay for that!

            (She lunges into space.)

            END OF EPISODE 64.

"Aria for Westward"

            (MRS. HO appears on a windswept street.  Crumpled newspapers and broken 

            umbrellas blow by.  MRS. HO carries her grandson, whom she shields from the 

            wind.  All is white and blackish.)

MRS. HO

Where is my son?

Where is my Westward?

Come back to me, son!

Come toward me, O Westward!

            (A blown twig slaps her in her face.)

            (Elsewhere, WESTWARD HO watches from his crystal ball.  He laughs, then 

            feels bad.)

            END OF “ARIA FOR WESTWARD.”

"Butch Gardens, Episode 63" by Mocha Tchokha Rose

            (The drug lords’ lair.  It’s gray, like a dusty shooting gallery but with nobody 

            popping out.  A faint buzzing.)

            (The younger women---ELINOR RADLEY, FOOFEE, LONNIE, and the 

            PANTHER LADY---approach.)

FOOFEE

The drug lords’ lair.  Do we walk in?

LONNIE

Where could they be?  Oh, I don’t understand men.

            (The PANTHER LADY yelps and switches something with her tail.)

FOOFEE

What’s the---?

            (The PANTHER LADY yelps again and spins around, looking for what bit her.)

                    FOOFEE (Continued)

What---?

            (FOOFEE touches her side.)

                    FOOFEE (Continued)

Did I bump---?

LONNIE

Something’s poking me!  Like a pencil point---

FOOFEE

It hurts a little---

LONNIE

Not too bad---

            (The PANTHER LADY snarls at an unseen annoyance.)

ELINOR RADLEY

It’s men!  Men!

            (She brushes something from her neck.)

FOOFEE

They’re attacking from another plane!

            (The women thrash mildly.)

LONNIE

How do we fight what we can’t see or hear?

            (Hitting.  Snarling.  Not too much.)

            END OF EPISODE 63.