"Heady Heady Head, Part II" by Westward Ho

CHILD

My mommy asked what I wanted for Christmas and I can’t believe she got it.  It’s a pickled head.

HEAD

I want a body.  I want a body.

CHILD

Well, I want a head that looks more like me.

            THE END

"Aunt Berthe's Secret" by Westward Ho

MOTHER

Sally, it’s time you learned the awful truth.

            (SALLY coughs on her scone.)

SALLY

What truth?

MOTHER

The antonym of falsehood.

SALLY

Not what’s truth, but what truth---?

MOTHER

About your aunt Berthe.

SALLY

She was like a mother to me, when you were in the institution.  Is there a secret behind her death?

MOTHER

Is there ever, Sally.  I suppose you know how she died---

SALLY

Suicide.

MOTHER

            (Simultaneous with her daughter)
Suicide.
            (Disconcerted pause)
Well, I guess you knew.

SALLY

I figured, with the family history and all your attempts---

MOTHER

We’re not---

SALLY

Really, it would be more remarkable if she didn’t commit suicide.  Why, you’re doing it right now.

MOTHER

I am simply cutting my scone---

SALLY

So what’s the secret?

MOTHER

It’s not that she killed herself, but how she did it.

SALLY

Pills?

            (MOTHER stares incredulously.  She blinks.)

MOTHER

Pills?  Would I mention it if it were pills?  No; much more shocking.  You’ll never think of her the same.

SALLY

Well, tell me---

MOTHER

An oriental rug.

SALLY

What?

MOTHER

An oriental rug.

SALLY

That doesn’t make---

MOTHER

She ate it.  She took a knife and fork and ate the whole damn thing.  Fibers expanded and burst her digestive tract.

SALLY

Oh, god---

MOTHER

When they found her, it was a pool of blood, with elegantly colored threads in the corners of her mouth.  And the remnant was hanging from her lips, as if she’d vomited it up.

SALLY

Oh, god.  I remember.

MOTHER

You what?

SALLY

I came in from playing.  I wanted an ice cream.  But she hadn’t died yet.  She looked up, and she croaked---

MOTHER

If I hadn’t been in the institution---

SALLY

I know.  I put it out of my mind, but . . .  Why did you bring it up?  Why would you expose me again, you loon?

MOTHER

Lately, you’ve been sleepwalking---

SALLY

Dr. Theos said---

MOTHER

Well, you’ve been sleepwalking.  I’ve seen you.

SALLY

Oh, god---

MOTHER

You come into my room; and---how do I say it?

SALLY

Oh, god.

MOTHER

You look . . . hungry for rug.

            (Dum dum dum---shocking music.)

            THE END.

"Heady Heady Head" by Westward Ho

CHILD

My mommy asked what I wanted for Christmas and I can’t believe she got it for me.  I can’t believe she found it.  It’s a pickled head; see.  It’s in this jar.  It’s a pickled head.  I don’t know how she found it.  See my head.  I can pretend it to talk.

HEAD

I want a body.  I want a body.

CHILD

Well, you don’t have it.

HEAD

Please help me.

CHILD

Let’s go to the store.  They have bodies.  Hello, storekeeper; I want a body.

HEAD

A real body, you fool!  I can't take being sealed in this jar!

CHILD

Well, there are stores and rules.  So, there.  Hey, everybody; look at my head!

            THE END.

"Sans Coeur" by Westward Ho

            (The world is a stage.  A CHANTEUSE descends from the heights---on a swing or
          a moon or a broom.  She is made up.)

CHANTEUSE

AN ISOSCORPION CAME FROM A CLOCK.
IT HAD NO TAIL FOR STINGING.
AN ICE-OLD WARRIOR GAVE ME A ROCK.
I HAVE NO HEART FOR SINGING.
I HAVE NO HEART FOR SINGING, MY FRIENDS.
I HAVE NO HEART FOR SINGING.

            (Her eye catches someone in the audience.  An OLD MAN, with glinty teeth,
          smiles.  He holds up her heart on a string, which he swings like a pendulum.  She
          looks away.)

               CHANTEUSE (Continued)

I HAVE NO HEART FOR SINGING, MY FRIENDS.
I HAVE NO HEART FOR SINGING.

            (Swinging continues.)

            THE END.

"A Wineskin in the Smoke" by Westward Ho

            (Fog, smoke, incense.  A withered man, with turban, speaks.  A corpulent woman,
            with fur and brooch, responds.)

THE FORTUNE-TELLER

One does not put new wine in old wineskins.

THE WOMAN

Really?  Doesn’t one?

THE FORTUNE-TELLER

No.

THE WOMAN

Really?

THE FORTUNE-TELLER

            (Wearily)
The skins will burst.

THE WOMAN

I had no idea.  I had better buy bottles.  Do I need to sterilize them, like for canning?

            (THE FORTUNE-TELLER closes his eyes.  More smoke.  THE WOMAN inhales
          a good portion.)

            THE END.

"The Fateful Dream" by Westward Ho

            (Marching.)

SOLDIER 1

I had a dream last night.

SOLDIER 2

Don’t tell---

SOLDIER 1

A whirl of smoke and guns and color---

SOLDIER 2

Enough---

SOLDIER 1

A giant bayonet came---

SOLDIER 2

A giant bayonet?

SOLDIER 1

And pushed me in a grave.  What does it mean?

SOLDIER 2

            (Shrugs)
It can mean many things.

SOLDIER 1

Will I die today?

SOLDIER 2

Possible.  More likely, you had the dream to show your fear of the day’s battle.

SOLDIER 1

I’m not---

SOLDIER 2

Your dream says otherwise.  But, because you had it, you’ll reflect back on your fear.  And since you have something to reflect on, you’ll likely live.

SOLDIER 1

Really?

SOLDIER 2

Now, I’m more likely to die.  You’ll think back:  “I told Tommy; and, that very day, he got killed.”

SOLDIER 1

No.

SOLDIER 2

Quite possible.  Or, I suppose, you might get killed; and I might think back on this exchange we’re having right now.  Regardless, one of us dies.

SOLDIER 1

No.

SOLDIER 2

Which is why I wish you’d kept your dreams to yourself.

            (Marching.)

            THE END.

"Sunny Is Back from the Provinces" by Mrs. Ho

MOTHER

Sunny is back from the provinces.
A mother says veloo.
Sunny is back with a man friend.
A mother says veloo.
Sunny, you were gone so long:
Join me in my called-for song.

MOTHER and DAUGHTER

Veloo.  Veloo.

MOTHER

And your man friend?

DAUGHTER

He is very kind.  But we must not talk of him yet.  How are you?  And my brother?

MOTHER

We have missed you.  I am making a meal for you.  Can I husk this corn?

DAUGHTER

Let me help.

THE MAN FRIEND

I would also like---

MOTHER

No, no.  We will do it.

            (They husk quietly.)

                   MOTHER (Continued)

            (To THE MAN FRIEND)
My son is in the other room.  You should meet him.
            (Quietly, to DAUGHTER)
You think?

DAUGHTER

            (Under breath)
As well now as ever.

            (THE MAN FRIEND leaves.)

MOTHER

You must tell me about him.

DAUGHTER

First, about you.

MOTHER

What?

DAUGHTER

I know what you are doing.

MOTHER

What do you mean?

DAUGHTER

This cuts too close to the bone.  It is too close to life.

MOTHER

Veloo.

            THE END.