ANNOUNCER
Two days ago, motion picture actress Joan Aardvark committed suicide by jumping into the ocean. Now her ex-husband, a marine biologist named Dr. Seliger, has sunk to the bottom of the sea as a result of an accident involving a bathysphere. While on the ocean floor, awaiting certain death, Dr. Seliger encounters his dead ex-wife, who has been transformed into a squid-woman, complete with pink robe-of-many-tentacles and arrowhead headdress. We join them now.
JOAN
(Suddenly excited)
Let me tell you about my new role. I’m death’s herald. The greeter at the Outer Gate. When you’ve newly arrived, I come knock-knocking at your door and offer you free products from the Underworld.
DR. SELIGER
Rubbish.
JOAN
’Want to hear how I’m death’s herald? It’s how I became a squid.
DR. SELIGER
Not interested.
(Music starts lightly under JOAN’s speech. Lights change.)
JOAN
So there I was, on the luxury liner Bermuda Queen. Vincent Manly and I were having our troubles, headed for divorce. And I had read in the morning paper that I was box-office poison. Again. But, more than that, I was just so tired of the game. I mean, my name’s not even Joan Aardvark, really. Anyway, after multiple experiments with sleeping pills and knives and too much liquor, I finally got up the courage. I walked out onto the deck of the ship and dove off. Well, I didn’t dive, really. All that water scared me. I couldn’t jump, either, like a normal person. I had to do what’s called a sit-jump – where you squat on the edge and sort-of fall off. But it felt great, sailing through the air. And, then, I smashed into the water, which felt like when you clap your hands too hard. But the water was fantastic. I could go as deep as I wanted, without having to worry about coming back up. I passed the pretty fish and the ropes of sea-weed, and swam down further, where the water gets cold and the fish are gray. Then, I swam deeper still, till the water was black as tar. And I waited to die. Then, out of nowhere, an explosion of underwater fireworks: a parade of squids and squidlings, of all colors and sizes! a mob! a navy! a chorus-line! All were singing –
(A chorus of squids sings.)
VOICES OF SQUIDS
Welcome, Joan! Welcome, Joan! Welcome, Joan! et cetera.
(The choir continues singing. JOAN speaks over the music.)
JOAN
I gurgled, “Can’t I just be dead?” And then, in the glowing halo of the water, I saw him: The Great Lord Ichthyosaur.
DR. SELIGER
What?
(As she speaks, THE GREAT LORD ICHTHYOSAUR comes down from above, gigantic, with gleaming teeth and eyes.)
JOAN
The Great Lord Ichthyosaur! The prehistoric lizard-fish you’re looking for. Let me tell you, he is glorious, with teeth like the pointed gates of Heaven and jaws like the fists of God! He spoke to me; he said –
(The ICHTHYOSAUR sings.)
THE GREAT LORD ICHTHYOSAUR
WELCOME, JOAN, TO MY REALM!UNDERWATER, I'VE THE HELM,
AND I MUST SAY I HAVE NOTICED YOU!
COME AND JOIN MY DEEP-SEA FRIENDS!
BRIDGE THE DEEP THAT NEVER ENDS!
SWIM WITH US! WE HAVE A PLACE FOR YOU!
JOAN
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.I'VE WATCHED THE DOLPHINS SWIM AND PLAY.
IS THAT THE KIND OF LIFE YOU OFFER ME?
THE GREAT LORD ICHTHYOSAUR
JOAN, I KNOW THIS MIGHT SOUND ODD:I WANT YOU AS A CEPHALOPOD!
SWIM, YOU SQUID: YOUR FAMILY'S IN THE SEA!
JOAN
And so I blossomed.(Music stops. The ICHTHYOSAUR swims upwards, out of view.)
THE END
